jokes, jokes, jokes

there are 2 really common types of jokes in English.

the first are doctor, doctor jokes e.g. doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains ! pull yourself together man !! so it is a play on the expression to pull yourself together

doctor doctor i feel like a snooker ball ! get to the end of the queue (snooker cue/queue)

you can search the internet - or make one up yourself...


the other type are jokes which contain an englisman, a scotsman and an irishman - and one is usually very smart and the other one is very stupid...

e.g.
an englishman and a scotsman are involved in a car crash and they are both extremely lucky to survive. they are sitting at the side of the road when the scotsman says - "you know we are both extremely lucky to be alive - i think this calls for some whisky" and he goes into the back of his car and brings out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the englishman. the englishman drinks some whisky to celebrate the fact that he is still alive and offers it back to the scotsman - "no thanks" - says the scotsman "i'll just wait till the police get here !" (so the englishman will be charged with causing the crash through drunk driving) ( we say if you have to explain a joke it isn't funny !!!)

you can easily change it to an englishman, a spaniard and a portuguese man...

i would like one of each for homework please...

BENFICA V CELTIC

I'm sorry if you don't like football, but the most important thing in Portugal next week is obviously the benfica v celtic game.

a few weeks ago i was quite confident about the game, but we have lots of injuries- so now i am not so sure... we have 3 right backs injured, two midfielders and a striker and today we are playing rangers so we will probably get even more injuries !

but from what i have seen so far, benfica don't look very good and your new signings aren't as good as you thought they were !

no matter what happens it can't be as bad as last year, when celtic were awful - probably the worst they have played in years...

i think it will be a draw - anybody want to bet ?

any benficistas out there - let me know what you think.

I will be at alto dos moinhos having beers and bifanas before and after the game if you want to meet up...

come on celtic - oh - quick question - where can i buy some green dye for my beard ?

G

a women's place is in the home ?

in the newspapers in the UK at the moment , the big discussion is about how women can not have it all , as they used to think. you can either have a good career or you can stay at home and have kids, but both is impossible. what do you think ? you need to back your opinion up with some good ideas...

ALL ABOUT ME

Guys - welcome to our blog

I am going to write some notes all about me, just like we talked about on Saturday, then I would like you to write all about yourselves so that the others in the class can read it ...

so here goes ... my name is Graham, I am 40 years old - we say that life begins at 40 - do you say that in Portuguese ? and I am not English, I am Scottish.

I am afraid of flying - I really don't like it - so when I go back to scotland I use some combination of boat, train and bicycle ... it takes ages, but it is great fun and the trip is usually the best part of my holiday

I was mayor of lisbon, I would clean up all the dog poo - there is dog poo everywhere andI would pedestrianise lots of streets in lisbon to try and reduce the no. of cars - andIi would ban old men from spitting in the street - truly disgusting ! ( I really like lisbon, but I think it could be so much better than it is )

if I had enough money for plastic surgery , I think I would get my ears done. I think they are too big and stick out too much. I actually play football evey week with a plastic surgeon so maybe one day I will get them done

if my house was on fire I would save my bicycle and my football trainers - they are the two things that I use the most, so are the most precious to me - especially because it is impossible to buy size 48 trainers in lisbon

I am a gemini, but I never read the horoscopes in the papers. I don't understand why people don't like us - we are nice people ! very honest

I would rather have time than money. it took me about 30 years to work this out - but all the things I like doing e.g. playing football, playing chess, going cycling - I don't need any money for, I need time

when I have nothing to do , I buy the Britsh Independent newspaper and go and have a beer

I support Celtic , and hope we qualify from our group, but I think it will be difficult. I think celtic and benfica are fighting for 3rd place as the other two teams have more money and are better than us.

I have done something bad - and it felt great ! I was kicked out of my local golf club in Scotland, but that is a story for another day ...

well that is some information about me, can you pease now add some information about you...

thanks